Interview with Dr Dan: The Secrets of Relationship

Dr. Dan Ardebili is the author of "The Little Book of Secrets, How to Attract the Person of Your Dreams & Keep Them!". What secrets and insights does Dr. Dan have on making relationships work? We connected with the hip guy and got him to share some of his secrets behind great relationships.

1. How would you define a relationship?

If you break down the word Re-la-tion-ship: Taking a journey on a ship with your partner and learning how to relate to one another. It is a journey to relate or learn from each other and from everything around you. You are taking this life journey together, creating magic moments and working through the hard or tough times, and most importantly growing stronger together. It is like you are consciousnesses merging to become one - not just getting along - which is what I see a lot of couples doing today.

They learn about relationships from their parents and with the divorce rate at what it is today that is not a good thing. They also learn from what they see on TV or in the movies, but unfortunately that is not real. This type of learning is make believe and they go there whole life looking for something that does not exist. That is why there is so much infidelity. They are trying to find this everlasting so-called love, but have mistaken lust for love - which are two different things. So a relationship is the path where 2 consciousnesses merge to become one. It is the journey on the ship to relate to each other.

2. In your book "The Little Book of Secrets, How to Attract the Person of Your Dreams & Keep Them!", you shared 21 interesting secrets. Where and how did you discover these secrets yourself?

When I was in my early twenties I was lost. I was in really bad relationships and always angry. I didn’t know I had a choice, I thought that was just how life was. I finally hit bottom one day and knew something had to change. I was at my parent’s house visiting and looking through my old things, searching for something. I came across a set of Tony Robbins Cassette tapes. Remember when we used those things? I asked my mother, “Whose tapes were these?” She had told me that she had bought them 2 years ago off a late night informational. So I had asked her if I could listen to them since at the time I was driving a lot for work and figured it would be a good use of time.

I think it is important to add, that at this point of my life I had never read a book on self-help, metaphysics, or anything like that. I probably would have thought that metaphysics was the study of Metal or something like that. Now, I didn’t know what to expect from listening to these tapes, but when I listened to the first tape it changed my life instantly! Like as fast as the snap of the fingers! It was like I had changed instantly! I went from an angry guy in bad relationships to a happy guy with a beautiful wife and 2 beautiful children and one on the way. So I had learned these secrets from my own life experiences and then from traveling the world learning from self-help experts to Indian Gurus.

Commitment is so important, not just in a relationship but in so many aspects of life.

I did not do this because I wanted knowledge or a title, but because I wanted to grow in my own life - for myself and for my family. This is why I wrote “The Little Book of Secrets”. Because it took me over 10 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars to learn them and most importantly practice them in my own life. This is why I have put them together in one place “The Little Book of secrets, How to Attract the Person of Your Dreams and Keep Them!” is for everyone , so that they wont have to travel the world, spend hundreds of thousands of dollars, or take the next 10+ years to gather them for themselves.

3. Which is the most important secret in your opinion?

That is a very hard question to answer. They are all important. It would be like asking someone if they only had one choice which would they keep, their Lungs or their Heart? Just like any vital organ they are all important to live. It is a balance of them all.

All the secrets are vital. You cannot create a strong relationship without them all. Now if someone was only going to read one of the secrets, I would say it should be commitment! Because it all starts with commitment and it ends with commitment, or should I say re-begins with it. Commitment is so important, not just in a relationship but in so many aspects of life. The Western world has not learned this, and a lot of the eastern world has forgotten it. So make sure to learn about commitment and most importantly practice and live it in your own life now.

4. I have a friend who needs to ask his wife for permission to go out with his friends. What do you make of this?

I don’t know all the details about the situation. Just like if you were to call a doctor over the phone and tell them that you feel sick, cough and ask then them “what do you think I have doc?” They would need to know more details and what other symptoms you have before they can help. So I am just saying that every situation will be different, but it is usually because of trust issues. Either the woman has been hurt, lied to, by either the man she doesn’t trust or by someone else in her past. It is a big problem all around the world. You must learn to trust each other. It’s not about earning someone’s trust. It is about trusting them until they give you a reason to not trust them.

Remember that life is not about getting along. It is about the merging, and the growing together.

If more couples would just learn to trust each others intentions then there would be a lot less arguments, fights, and divorce. Remember that you are sailing in this ship together. This ship to relate and learn from each other, and grow together - to merge and become one. To do this you must first trust each other. Or you won’t become one.

You are two separate people living under one roof. My wife trusts me and she has no problem with me going out with some friends. But I think it is important to mention that we do a lot of things together and have fun. So I am not just going out with my friends and leaving her at home with the kids. Most the time we go out together with like-minded friends. Just remember to do a lot of fun things together. I like to call it “creating a menu of fun!” So you can grow together. Remember that life is not about getting along. It is about the merging, and the growing together.

5. I have another friend who is embroiled in a love triangle where the girl cannot decide on two guys. What is your view on love triangles?

I suggest taking a break from both of them for at least 2 weeks to 30 days. Just take some time for yourself. Right now it is going to be hard and get harder to continue dating both of them. If you do end up making a decision then you will question yourself and wonder if you made the right decision for anywhere from weeks to years. I do not recommend dating more than 1 person at a time.

Take the next 30 days to enjoy life and not worry about which one you should be with. Then after the 30 days you can make a decision and it will be a lot easier at that point because you will not be so involved with it. During that 30 days ask them to give you a little time to yourself and don’t talk to them. Also if it was meant to be then the one you are meant to be with, will be there waiting.

If one or both don’t wait, then they made your decision even easier. You cannot have a clear head to make this decision while you are dating them both though. Just like you wouldn’t go to a new restaurant and order 2 plates or more of food for yourself, just to find your favorite dish. You must experience each dish separately - to explore the different tastes and experience. And if you are ordering more than one dish, then stop that too…

6. What would you tell someone who is still waiting for his or her right one (partner)?

BUY MY BOOK! Haha, just kidding, sorta… but seriously stop waiting and start living! Live your life! Be clear of what you want in your life and why. Write it down in detail. Look at it often. Also be the person you want to attract into your life. Do the things that the person you want to attract into your life does. Become that kind of person. But most of all live your life and stop waiting. Don’t be a wallflower in life! Don’t stand against the wall of life and blend in with everyone else standing there and waiting for their life to happen on its own.

7. What do you feel are the key factors behind a great relationship?

Like one of my good friends and amazing teacher said to me a few years ago: “Are you sailing though life in a Relation-Ship or in a Relation-Canoe? Make sure that it is strong and that you can stand up in it without tipping over.

So, trusting each other fully, trust each other, and trust each other’s intentions. Be totally committed to each other! No threatening to jump ship when a storm comes. Storms will come and go. You can count on that. But that is what’s so beautiful about being in a relationship. Getting to experience it and growing together. But both must be committed to each other. This does not mean “I will be committed to you if you are committed to me.” That will not work. Both must make the commitment no matter what.

I also want to point out that now with women working that it is important that when the woman comes home, to make sure to leave the work hat at the office. There is nothing wrong with women working. I am all for it. I grew up in that era. But it was not common 70 years ago. Back then the roles were clear. Men went to work and women took care of the house and kids. Just like thousands of years ago, men went to hunt for the food (work) and woman stayed back to take care of the children and defend the nest (home). So this is something relatively new to us.

Man was not expected to understand woman, and woman was not expected to understand man. To understand what each other was feeling and thinking. It was just understood that man was man and woman was woman. It is not bad, it just, is what it is. We could write a whole book about this subject, and I have. But just remember that it comes back to being committed and growing with each other.

It would also be a good idea to practice morning yoga together. This is an amazing way to not only start the day off right, but to spend time and truly grow together. I personally recommend Kundalini Yoga, which is a way of living and not just an exercise. This has helped and my wife in so many ways in our own lives.

8. Are relationships the same around the world and in different cultures?

Yes and no would be the short answer. But a lot of the world has been influenced by western culture. That is why divorce is so high in so many other countries now. But there are still many parts of the world that people practice marriage as a sacred path, including many people in the western world.

I remember in one of Dan Millman’s books who wrote “The Peaceful Warrior”. He was saying something about celebrating your breakups.

9. Is there any victim in a failed relationship?

It really depends on the ones in that failed relationship. Unfortunately most feel like they are the victims. But the truth is that if you learned something from that relationship then how can that be a failure? I had so many bad relationships or should I say relation-canoes. But I learned so much from them and they made me into the person I am today.

I remember in one of Dan Millman’s books who wrote “The Peaceful Warrior”. He was saying something about celebrating your breakups. What I got from that, and I even made it one of my Secrets in my book because it has helped me so much in my own life. That when you end a relationship it is really a new beginning to take you closer to the person of your dreams. Like stepping stones or stairs, each one takes you closer and closer to getting to the top. The goal or the person of your dreams.

I also like to relate it to a caterpillar growing into a butterfly. The caterpillar doesn’t know what is happening. It feels like it is dying while it is transforming, but then it metamorphoses into a beautiful butterfly. It had to go through that pain and hurt to become the beautiful butterfly. So You might not feel that way at first when a relationship has just ended, but you must ask yourself the question, “what did I learn from this?” and “How can I grow from this?” This doesn’t just work with relationships but also in every other part of your life. Most of the secrets I wrote in my book are universal. They work in every part of your life. So stop being a victim and grow into the person you were meant to become and become that butterfly.

10. How do you think metaphysics has a part to play in relationships?

I believe everything has a part to do with everything. I think too many people get stuck in one form of research or study. But it is a balance. Just like we talked about with the vital organs. One is not more important than the other. You need them all in order to function. So, everything has to do with everything. I also love the definition that I heard Yogi Bhajan give for marriage. That it is a Carriage to Infinity and Beyond.

11. We understand that you have traveled the world and learned from some of the world's greatest mentors. What is the best advice you have gathered?

I had gathered so many amazing lessons over the years and the best lesson I learned was commitment from Guru Singh. When my wife Shanta and I renewed our vows, Guru Singh told us a story on commitment.

Here is the summary of the story he told us: Love does not keep a marriage or relationship together. That is why so many people go from one relationship or marriage to the next. Because they keep trying to find that love and that passion that lasts forever. Now I can hear some of you already saying to yourselves, “what?” “Do you mean I should just find someone and stay with them even if I don’t love them?” No, that is not what I am saying. I am saying that relationships go through seasons just like our weather.

Some days it’s beautiful and sunny and then some days it rains or snows. And then some days it storms and all hell breaks loose. Does that remind you of any relationships you have seen? Or maybe been part of? So what does keep a marriage or relationship together? It’s called commitment. When two persons are committed totally to each other, then they will go through the sunny times and rainy times and always come back to the sunny times of their relationship. Guru Singh said it best, he said, “Love is the flowers and the trees and the relationship or marriage is the house”. What keeps a house together? Not the flowers or the pretty butterflies. Nails keep the house together! Commitment is the nails!

So here is what this means. If you truly want the ultimate relationship then you must fully and totally commit yourself to the other person 100% and be willing to do it forever and ever and ever. Now I’m not telling you to stay in an abusive relationship or if you just started dating someone for 6 months and you don’t feel like they are your true love, to stay with them forever. Obviously you need to use your own judgment.

But I will say this, if you are, or ever were in a relationship for a few years and it didn’t feel like the passion was there anymore, it might have just been a change in that season. You might just need to wait it out and let the season change. But remember to be committed to that person and you will have the most incredible love of your life! It is so important in every part of your life, that it cannot be mentioned enough. But most importantly it must be practiced everyday. Not something learned or studied. But applied, lived, practiced in your own daily life.

12. What is your favorite quote on relationship?

Here are two of them: “Are you sailing through life in a Relation-Ship or a Relation-Canoe” by Guru Singh.

My other favorite: “Mars, Venus, Uranus, Who Cares!” By Dr. Dan. Which means it is not so important to study or try to understand the opposite sex. It is more important to just understand that we are different and that we must respect our differences. Not try to become experts in the opposite sex. So just love each other for who we are.

About the Interviewee

Dr. Dan Ardebili, Ph.D., is an internationally renowned author, Minister, and speaker in the fields of Attraction, Dating, Relationship, Human Development, and Self-Development. Along with his many books, audio programs, and videos; Dr. Dan has thousands from around the globe tuning into his show “Be a RockStar in Your Life with Dr Dan”.

He is also known for his unique Online Webinars and RockStar Funshops around the world. Dr Dan lives in Northern California with his lovely wife Shanta and his two beautiful daughters Kayleen & Mayleena.

Dr. Dan is the author of "The Little Book of Secrets, How to Attract the Person of Your Dreams and Keep Them!" and the book "RockStar, 45 RockStar Lessons, How to be a RockStar in Your Life, and Make the World Your Stage!"