Art and Practice of Relationships

An Interview with Dr Debashis

Recently, Dr Debashis gave a talk on The Art of Relationship at Whatever, a Singapore new age centre. We managed to catch up with Dr Debashis and asked him some questions that we think our readers might be interested in.

What do you think is the problem with regards to relationships today?

I think most relationships these days are becoming like fast food or two minutes' noodles. Most people just want to consume relationships. In the neighborhood of my university apartment in the USA I used to watch a fast food shop sign that read: LOVE AT FIRST BITE! Many young people today believe that love is a commodity.

What general advice do you have on how we can improve our relationships?

First, reverse the current of your desire from taking to giving. The more you give to a relationship the more it prospers for you. Second, pay attention to minute details about your partner—like how she is feeling this morning. Attention is the currency of relationships. Last, don't think of relationship in terms of your selfish demands. Relationships cannot be divided. Relationships can only be shared and multiplied.

First, reverse the current of your desire from taking to giving. The more you give to a relationship the more it prospers for you.

Is relationship just about romantic love between two lovers?

Love is the primary reality of our being. Love is the organizing principle that holds together the trillion different cells in our body. Because of love we experience these trillion cells as ONE. This ONE-ness that you call "ME" is our physical experience of love. When we "fall in love" with someone, we experience the same ONE-NESS as "WE" not just at the physical but also at the mental and emotional level. Beyond romantic love, when we recognize this ONE-ESS with the whole of creation, we rise to the spiritual experience of love which is "BE".  So love can be experienced at all the 3 levels - ME, WE and BE - like the many colors of a rainbow.

Being an Asian who spends a fair bit of time in the west, do you see any difference between relationships in the west and the east?

The East or the West are not just geographical expressions. They are different but complementary energy fields. In the East we believe relationships are a sacred mystery. In the West they think relationships are a matter of chemistry. Mystery comes from the spirit. Chemistry is interaction of matter and mind. Chemistry without mystery becomes stale and boring. Only mystery without chemistry becomes abstract and platonic. The two together makes relationships an adventure.

What do you think of man's relationship to money?

A man makes money. Money does not make a man. Unfortunately most young people think that money makes them who they are. One should treat money as "currency"--- that which is currently flowing. Don't hoard money; let it flow for productive purposes.

What is the difference between relationship and relating?

Relationships happen between persons. Relating happens with the presence within the person. You may be living in the same room with another person, but if you are not fully present to each other, you are not really relating.

Simply speaking, all relationships happen within the framework of space and time. The person I call my father or my lover will continue to be my father or my lover for a specific time-space frame. A relationship is therefore a temporary arrangement based on the duration of the physical structure of the partners involved. But relating is eternal.

How do you think metaphysics have a part to play in relationships?

"Metaphysics" is the unseen reality that connects our physical bodies to the shared reality of our spirits. Two lovers sitting in a room breathe the same air. They inhale and exhale the same air inside the room. When they have disagreements, their breathing pattern becomes chaotic and conflicting. When they become intimate their breathing gets synchronized. When they experience the "bliss" of unity during love making, they get transported to one-breath and ONE-NESS of their spirits. That's when the physical embraces the metaphysical.

Love is friendship set to music.

Do you have a quote for us on relationship?

Love is friendship set to music.

(Just for fun) Since you are a guru on relationship, can you share
with us how many lovers you have had?

Quantity? I can't really quantify my love affairs. Love is a state of being ONE with your essence. Whosoever reaches that state of ONENESS is my lover. By that count, I have had many ONE ON ONES. Trust me!

About the Writer

Dr. Debashis Chatterjee's professional career has been a rich blend of international professional and academic experience in India, USA, Canada, Europe, Australia, South East Asia and South Africa. Dr. Chatterjee was a Fulbright Fellow at the Harvard University and MIT. For more than a decade he was Professor, Indian Institute of Management (IIM) at Lucknow and Calcutta. He was recently a Visiting Fulbright Professor at Harvard University's Kennedy School of Government. He is currently Dean, Leadership Centre, S.P. Jain Centre of Management, Singapore. Dr. Chatterjee's publications include several internationally published books such as Leading Consciously (Butterworth-Heinemann). Leading Consciously has been translated in several foreign languages and was adjudged among the top 5 international management titles of 1998 by the magazine Management General published from the United States. His recent books include Light the Fire in Your Heart (Full Circle), Circle of Love and Break Free (published by Penguin in 2006). His research papers have been published in Harvard University's Journal, Compass and in  Business The Ultimate Resource (Perseus) edited by Daniel Goleman. Chatterjee writes a column called "Success Sutras" that is read by more than four million readers every week in all editions of ASCENT, Times of India. Dr. Debashis Chatterjee has directed Executive Development programs on Leadership, Self-Management and Work Life Balance for over ten thousand managers in more than 100 Companies in all six continents of the world. He was recently described as one of the fifteen "thought leaders" of the world by Professor John Kotter of the Harvard Business School for his contribution to the theory and practice of leadership. Prof. Chatterjee can be reached at: dciiml@gmail.com Also see On Silence poetry by Dr Debashis

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