By Sera Beak

IF YOU COULD MAKE LOVE, have sweaty sublime sex, get down and dirty with any past spiritual teacher, deity, angel, god or goddess, in the entire universe, who would it be and why?

Now before you roll your third eye or cross yourself or finger your prayer beads, know that this slightly provocative idea is nothing close to being new. Truth be told, the divine has been getting it on since time immemorial. For example, the Babylonian goddess Ishtar seduced a mortal man, Gilgamesh. In Canaan, the chief god El has sex with the goddess Asherah. In Egyptian religions, the god Osiris has sex with his sister, the great goddess Isis. The Hindu god Krishna had sex with countless women, often at the same time, as he just multiplied himself (hey, he's a god - why have one orgasm, when you can have thousands simultaneously?), but more commonly with his true love, the mortal woman Radha. And don't get me started with all the libidinous fun the Greek God Zeus had way back in the classical day. And celestial intercourse was experienced, often quite graphically, by many mystics round this world such as St. Theresa, Rumi, Hafiz, and Mirabai, just to name a few.

You might be thinking, all well and good for those deities or "special" mortals who managed to attract such illuminated lust, but what about little ol' ordinary career-climbing, coffee-drinking, occasionally meditative me? To which I'll say this: Divine booty calls did not just happen in the ancient past. They're happening right now. All you have to do is wink back. That said, it's always wise to screen your divine dates, use your intuition, and be sure to check out their history. A few brief examples to get your loins levitating and your mind lubricated:

Jesus Christ

This spiritual teacher is definitely at the top of my "to do" list. With his long hair, tan skin, healing touch, rebel yell, ability to resurrect (wink) himself, and "love your neighbor as yourself" attitude, I'm convinced he's one helluva Lover. Mary Magdalene concurs. Risks: he gets in trouble with the law (all laws really - socio-cultural, political, religious), hangs extra tight with his male buddies, and might mysteriously disappear for 10 years at a time.

Kali

Um hello, this Hindu goddess has 4 arms and a looong tongue, and she likes to dance naked. Need I say more? Ok, I do. If you can get over the human skulls circling her neck and the human appendages hanging off her waist and her preference for late-night cemetery romps, I'd say you're good to go, but always with her on top. Risks: your life being destroyed and losing your head (thus your ego). Hint: Watch for the sword.

Buddha

Calm yet awake, mindful, free of dukka, zzzzzzzz. Whoops, sorry, I sort of dozed off there. I mean, could you really imagine him throwing you across his lap for a good spank while he's in lotus position? Let's be honest, despite the undeniable enlightenment this glorious being has provided to the planet, he has seriously low sex appeal, not to mention, quite a large belly.

White Buffalo Calf Woman

A beautiful and wise native warrior. She's what you might call "outdoorsy" and she likes to see you sweat (after all, she introduced sweat lodges to native ceremony). Risks: She smokes, and will ask you to do so too, but this is an honor. Also, please don't think bad thoughts around her, let her approach you first, and hang on to your flesh (read her myth before you wink).

Dionysus

Graeco-Roman god also known as Bacchus. This intoxicating deity loves to dance, take ecstasy, and party all night long. Risks: He might drive you mad, turn you into an alcoholic, or make you hump trees.